I cringe as I look at my calendar. This week of all week is not going to be easy. I have been strong for so long. I have not let myself fall apart, sulk or have a huge pity party. My sister and I have persevered on. We have graduated college. Jaime got married had a baby. We both started businesses. Stood up for what we believe in. Created. Loved. Laughed. Hurt. And LIVED.
But as time looms closer and closer to May 21st I kind of feel myself mentally spinning in a thousand directions. How can tens years have gone by! Sorry for the language but WTF!??? How did this all happen!!!??? Time speeds forward at a frightening rate and yet it seems like eons that I have had two parents. Ten years is a pretty big mile marker.
I miss my parents so much! I am not mad that they are gone, but I am completely and utterly sad. Within a nano-second they were taken from us as the tires shredded and our SUV flipped over. And yet ten years is still not enough time to heal from all this.
I am so caught up in my life. The busyness, the excitement, the chores, the projects, the people I have chosen to surround myself with, that at times it feels like my parents are not a part of any of this. And I feel guilty for that. And yet they are. I am who I am because of them. They gave me the foundation to be the woman I am today. They taught me well and now I am trying to live out their legacy. But there are days I just want to say "Screw It. I am soo tired of being strong. So tired of trying to have it all together. I just want to curl up in bed and have my mama say 'it's going to be okay. " Those were her last words before my dad's SUV hit the concrete billboard...I will hang onto those words until I see them again.....
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I miss them too, and I know it has been hard for you hitting all these milestones and moving on in life without having them a part of it. But, I am so happy for your last line "until I see them again." In 1 Peter it says that "we are begotten again to a living hope, through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead." Praise God that you do have that HOPE that you will see them again someday. I know it is hard now in your day to day life not just being able to give them a call, have them at holidays, go hang out at their house and have dinner together, etc. but I don't believe that they are completely unaware of what is going on in your life. They are in heaven -- I am sure Jesus is keeping them up to date on what you are doing. I really do think that they know that they have a granddaughter named Blake. Also, if you need to break down every once in a while don't feel like that is a bad thing - that is why you have friends in your life as a support system. So...call me if you you need anything or just want to talk.
ReplyDeletePraying for you this week.